Remembering

I can't get to sleep and I'm not really sure why, but I have been thinking of my baby that I lost 4 years ago already. Maybe it is because of the anniversary of baby Cora going to heaven or maybe it is because a friend from church recently lost her baby. Or maybe because we just passed the anniversary of losing the baby. Actually I just realized that it was seriously exactly four years ago this week that I lost the baby. Wow. Anyway, I was just lying there awake and just going over in my head all that happened when I lost my baby. I thought maybe putting my thoughts out here would help clear my mind, instead of it just going round and round.


We already had had one baby-Lillie. She was still under a year old when we lost this baby so she didn't really know what was going on. I lost this baby early February of 2006 and I was due early July. This pregnancy just didn't feel the same as my first one. For awhile before we found out that we had lost the baby, I think I had been having anxiety attacks and just really didn't feel well at all. Even for my birthday, which was Feb. 4, I couldn't make it through eating out dinner with Matt because I felt all shaky and nervous and that funny homesick feeling. And we were just in the next town.
I had talked to Matt about it and to my mom and sisters and they said to talk to the doctor about it next time I went in. So that is what I was planning on doing. I had a scheduled monthly check up and was telling the doctor about it and he said that pregnancy hormones can do that and that it wasn't uncommon. Okay, that's good. I guess. There are other women who feel jittery while pregnant. So then he gets his doppler out to listen to the baby's heartbeat and he tries to find the heartbeat for awhile and can't hear anything. He said it was probably fine, the baby was probably in a funny spot but he wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure. (I wonder if he really thought it was fine or just said that??)
My mom and my sister had come with me to this appointment to help watch Lillie and then we were going to go shopping afterwards. They were waiting out in the van so I nervously go out there to tell them that we need to go to another place where they do the sonograms and that I should call Matt to meet us there just in case something was wrong.
So we go there and my sister stays out in the van with Lillie while my mom, Matt and I go in for the sonogram.
I remember being really shaky and nervous. The lady starts the sonogram and there is our baby. He/She looked so perfectly formed. I remember that it really looked like a baby already. It wasn't one of those sonograms that you have to point out what is what. There was my baby. But my baby wasn't wiggling around like babies normally do during sonograms. He was just lying there. Still. Not doing anything. I just held Matt's hand and started crying pretty good because we could tell there was no heartbeat to find. The lady still needed to take all the measurements and do everything like normal. She told us that the baby was measuring at only 12 weeks along. So we aren't really sure when the baby actually died but it was so hard to know that this baby that we had been anticipating was no longer with us. And we never found out why the baby died either.
The doctor asked us if we would like to just wait until the baby passed on its own or if we would prefer to do a D&C. I couldn't imagine just walking around waiting for my body to go into labor like that so we decided to do a D&C. So that was scheduled for the next day.
I remember just being so thankful for Lillie and being so happy that we had a healthy little girl already.
I honestly don't really remember that night. I think my oldest sister came over and brought flowers and I cried with her for awhile. The next morning we went in for the D&C. I don't even remember if Lillie stayed the night at Grandma's house or someone came and stayed at the house. It was kind of a blur.
I was pretty nervous about the procedure. Thankfully they put me out completely. When I woke up from the surgery, the first thing I felt was so empty. I suppose it was more of an emotional empty but I just remember thinking- I don't have a baby anymore. And then a tear rolled down my face. But I tried pretty hard not to cry too much with all those nurses around. I didn't even know if these nurses in this room even knew why I was there. Did they know I just lost a baby? Then the nurses talked to me some and I don't remember a whole lot. But they told me I had lost a lot of blood during the procedure so they were watching me for awhile before I could see my family. I started out with just one I.V. but when I woke up there were two.
I found out later that day that as soon as the doctor started the procedure blood started gushing out (sorry for the mental picture) and that the doctor had to work hard and fast to get it stopped so he didn't have to do a hysterectomy. For which I am very thankful for!
So they made me stay at the hospital for awhile until they thought the bleeding wouldn't start up really heavy again. I didn't have to stay overnight though so that was good.
The next morning Matt had to go to work and of course I still had a little toddler to take care of. I can remember waking up and just laying in bed crying. I just couldn't not cry. I would be fine and then all of the sudden I would start crying some more. So since Matt had to work I called my mom and told her I didn't want to be alone. So my dad came and got Lillie and me and took us to their house. I'm not really sure what was going on that day but mom must have needed to do something because my sister Krista came over to the house to stay with us for awhile. I don't think she really knew what to say or do. And I didn't want to cry in front of her so I remember going to the bathroom and crying in there and then coming out and trying to act like I was fine. Which of course I'm sure she could tell I wasn't fine. And I didn't need to be 'fine'.
Everyone was really great and sweet and others who had had miscarriages were really nice. My Aunt Sandy who was battling breast cancer (and herself had lost her first baby)-she has now gone to heaven- came over with my Uncle and their family. She brought me a mini rose bush that I still have(2 moves later). I remember her and my baby every time I see it. I know that she is in heaven now with those that have passed on before her.
Heaven is that much closer when you have a loved one that you know is there. What a beautiful spot God has just for those sweet babies that we have lost before we even got a chance to meet them. I know there are many other women out there with similar stories and I am just so thankful that we serve a loving and faithful God. He formed those babies just the way he wanted them formed. He doesn't make mistakes. He loves us and is working everything out for His Glory.

I am so thankful that since that miscarriage I have had two wonderful, healthy pregnancies and two sweet little boys. Lillie, Titus and Zethan are such blessings and I think I take for granted how much of a blessing they really are. I love them so much!

(Thanks for letting me get this out. I know it was kind of a long, no picture post)